Hey guys,
I'm only $352 short of the $2,200 I've had to raise for Bolivia.
I've figured that if 50 people donate $8 each I can reach my goal.
or
if 75 people donate $4.60 each I can make my goal.
It's for a really good cause.
If you can please donate to my fund. i would appreciate it more than you can understand.
http://cathstuff.org/bolivia.htm#stoker
you can donate at that website!!
Much love
Jenn
5/06/2009
3/04/2009
(In)Complete(ly) fucked
So I've had this paper since last semester that my professor gave me until guess when to turn in... that's right. Today. March 4, 2009. I decided to take the Incomplete for last semester on my grade report thinking that I'd be able to get it done by today and I just haven't really had the time that I thought I would.
Procrastination. yes.
School over load. YES.
To much Candorness. YES.
Senioritis. OH YES.
I have such a busy day today/tomorrow, however you're looking at it that I don't know how I'm going to be able to get this shit done. 10 pages shouldn't be that much and it really isn't. I've written worse. Not to mention that I have 2 papers due today/tomorrow. Both are for literature courses where I really respect and enjoy the classes and the teachers more importantly. I just found out that one of them got extended until Friday at noon. Amazing. The other one. Ugh. I don't know what my advisor/I was thinking that taking 3literature courses would be ok. cuz it's not. all of the reading and other shit that I have to do is just overwhelming.
this is just insanity. What exactly is going to happen if I can't get this professor the paper? Will I not be able to graduate like I had planned on? I just feel like I'm fucked right now.
I probably won't be posting for a while just because I'll probably be laying comatose in a bed somewhere. Unresponsiveness because I'm going insane.
(Excuse my drama. I know it's probably a bit much. But it's how I'm feeling right now)
Procrastination. yes.
School over load. YES.
To much Candorness. YES.
Senioritis. OH YES.
I have such a busy day today/tomorrow, however you're looking at it that I don't know how I'm going to be able to get this shit done. 10 pages shouldn't be that much and it really isn't. I've written worse. Not to mention that I have 2 papers due today/tomorrow. Both are for literature courses where I really respect and enjoy the classes and the teachers more importantly. I just found out that one of them got extended until Friday at noon. Amazing. The other one. Ugh. I don't know what my advisor/I was thinking that taking 3literature courses would be ok. cuz it's not. all of the reading and other shit that I have to do is just overwhelming.
this is just insanity. What exactly is going to happen if I can't get this professor the paper? Will I not be able to graduate like I had planned on? I just feel like I'm fucked right now.
I probably won't be posting for a while just because I'll probably be laying comatose in a bed somewhere. Unresponsiveness because I'm going insane.
(Excuse my drama. I know it's probably a bit much. But it's how I'm feeling right now)
2/26/2009
This weekend
I'll be in San Diego this weekend for a newspaper convention thingy-ma-bobber. I'm leaving for Midway in a couple of hours and my plane is supposed to take off around 2:30 p.m. No guarantees though with the weather being so shitty in Chicago right now.
I'm fine with going to California, especially since I've never been there before. But it just sucks that I'm sick as a dog. Which makes me not want to go at all. My whole body is achy and my (fl)abs hurt like a bitch from coughing. I think that I may have lost a lung right now coughing actually. No joke.
So yeah. Some of my friends probably won't even know that I'm going, which is sad because I still care about them a lot. There's just the drama in between everything.
February 26 - March 1. That's when I'll be out of state.
Oh, and since a day's worth of Internet access is fuckin $12.95, I will not be online, except maybe on my phone for AIM.
See you all next week. Much love.
2/23/2009
What are friends for
I'm so sick of riding this roller coaster that V and N call us being friends. i'm tired of wondering if one or the other is angry with me or pissed off at me. or if it's just that all 3 of us are busy and it's hard to keep in contact with each other. but i think that's complete bullshit.
i think they have beef with me and just won't say anything because i'm supposed to be the one that says something to them. i'm fuckin busy too. i have a lot of shit going on too. it's bullshit because earlier last month beginning of this month i was in the middle of their fuckin drama. maybe the gf is right and i'm seeing it this way because i was in the middle of their shit. but honestly. no text msg's.. no calls.. when i call i get a text msg in return that sounds distant and cold?
where the fuck are my supposed best friends? where the fuck were they when i really needed them? when i try to msg them i get one worded answers. they never ask me how i'm doing.
i'm at the point of getting ready to call it quits. i have friends that are farther away in distance that are better friends than they are right now. i mean seriously. if this is how it's going to be let's fucking end it because this bullshit is too much to take along with everything else that's going on.
i feel like screaming...crying... something that will get them to notice that i'm here. if they want me here i will be here but right now i get this feeling in the pit of my stomach that i cant explain.
its been like 4 years since i met v and for the first year things were cool, even when we were dating. but things changed. i changed. for her.
i think they have beef with me and just won't say anything because i'm supposed to be the one that says something to them. i'm fuckin busy too. i have a lot of shit going on too. it's bullshit because earlier last month beginning of this month i was in the middle of their fuckin drama. maybe the gf is right and i'm seeing it this way because i was in the middle of their shit. but honestly. no text msg's.. no calls.. when i call i get a text msg in return that sounds distant and cold?
where the fuck are my supposed best friends? where the fuck were they when i really needed them? when i try to msg them i get one worded answers. they never ask me how i'm doing.
i'm at the point of getting ready to call it quits. i have friends that are farther away in distance that are better friends than they are right now. i mean seriously. if this is how it's going to be let's fucking end it because this bullshit is too much to take along with everything else that's going on.
i feel like screaming...crying... something that will get them to notice that i'm here. if they want me here i will be here but right now i get this feeling in the pit of my stomach that i cant explain.
its been like 4 years since i met v and for the first year things were cool, even when we were dating. but things changed. i changed. for her.
Our Poisonous Relationship
This is something that I wrote on Saturday while waiting for the gf to be freed from work. lol.
Our Poisonous Relationship
it's almost empty, maybe this will finally be my last
(for Today at least)
my organs: fill with a cancer that is oh so sweet
Head rush. Close my eyes. sway.
Side
to
side.
no choking today ma'am.
stand. Or. sit. Or. Lean.
what's your Poison my dear?
-click- and heated light appears.
-inhale- and fill your lungs.
-eyes close- lean your head back.
-taste- the heat on your tongue.
-exhale- letting the stress roll off your lips.
We've become best friends. or Worst enemies.
This just depends on the Day.
Disappointment as you realize-
8 minutes to think &
you thought of absolutely nothing.
You smell like my friend but look only
like a viper, breathing fire.
In a few hours we shall meet again
-only to repeat this cycle
It's almost empty but you're telling me
our friendship may be forever
Now you're allowed to choke on
the light that surrounds your face.
Our Poisonous Relationship
it's almost empty, maybe this will finally be my last
(for Today at least)
my organs: fill with a cancer that is oh so sweet
Head rush. Close my eyes. sway.
Side
to
side.
no choking today ma'am.
stand. Or. sit. Or. Lean.
what's your Poison my dear?
-click- and heated light appears.
-inhale- and fill your lungs.
-eyes close- lean your head back.
-taste- the heat on your tongue.
-exhale- letting the stress roll off your lips.
We've become best friends. or Worst enemies.
This just depends on the Day.
Disappointment as you realize-
8 minutes to think &
you thought of absolutely nothing.
You smell like my friend but look only
like a viper, breathing fire.
In a few hours we shall meet again
-only to repeat this cycle
It's almost empty but you're telling me
our friendship may be forever
Now you're allowed to choke on
the light that surrounds your face.
2/18/2009
When family seems to dissolve
So the shit seemed to hit the fan today. The other day my gf, L, sent her ex and long time family friend of mine, C, a msg on Facebook standing up for me because of what C had to say when she found out that L and I are seeing each other.
After 12 years of friendship, C told me that I had betrayed her and that because I ws justifying being with L that I was a bad person. And that she wanted me out of her life completely.
That sucked to hear and it wasnt exactly was I was expecting but it was worse.. far worse than I expected the reaction to be. Fine, so be it. C made the choice to kick me out of her life when I wanted to try to keep both C and L in my life. They are both amazing people and having them in my life has enriched it exponentially. But, if that's what C wants then so be it. L was standing up for me and letting C know that she thought C was making a mistake by kicking me out of her life. She didn't expect a response back, she just wanted to get her peace and that's all.
So my middle sister who is best friends with C found out last week that L and I are dating and she blew a gasket. Fine, understandable. But this is one of those pivital moments in my life where I need my sister to be exactly that: my sister.
So my sister and I haven't really talked since Friday when I told her who I was seeing. Today, my gf sends me a text msg telling me that my sister was harassing her via text and was instigating. L forwarded me the text msgs and it was then that I lost it. Completely. I called her and when she picked up she didn't let me get a word in edgewise. Her basic dialogue with me was something more or less like this:
"Hi Jennyyy. Are you calling me because of L? Are you telling me to stop talking to L? Because I'm not going to fucking listen. Byeeeee." (Need I mention that this was all with attitude and sarcasm as the underlying tones)
She then hung up on me.
That's when I couldn't take it anymore. I lost it and broke down. Cried. And proceeded to call my mom and tell her what happened. *(Side note: my mom is being more amazing through this then I thought she was going to be and she really is my best friend)* I told her that my sister was harassing L and how she handled my phone call to her and her hanging up on me and that I needed her to just be my sister. To be happy for me. To choose blood over her friends for once in her life. She said she'd talk to my sister and she did. Nothing really positive came out of it other than my sister telling my mom that she loves me and that she is being my sister but that she's sticking up for her friend.
My mom called me back and told me that L just needs to erase all contact with C as do I. Fine. We both know what we have to do. We both knew that this would probably happen. So we expected something along these lines. But for my sister to be so utterly mean to someone is beyond my understanding. Especially if that someone means something to me. I'm upset adn angry with my sister and frustrated because this is partially my fault that this is happening on L's side. Given we both are facing extreme... dificulties when it comes the repercussions of starting a relationship between L and myself.
This just all sucks so hard core I dont know what to say, how to feel, how to react..nothing. I got nothing.
After 12 years of friendship, C told me that I had betrayed her and that because I ws justifying being with L that I was a bad person. And that she wanted me out of her life completely.
That sucked to hear and it wasnt exactly was I was expecting but it was worse.. far worse than I expected the reaction to be. Fine, so be it. C made the choice to kick me out of her life when I wanted to try to keep both C and L in my life. They are both amazing people and having them in my life has enriched it exponentially. But, if that's what C wants then so be it. L was standing up for me and letting C know that she thought C was making a mistake by kicking me out of her life. She didn't expect a response back, she just wanted to get her peace and that's all.
So my middle sister who is best friends with C found out last week that L and I are dating and she blew a gasket. Fine, understandable. But this is one of those pivital moments in my life where I need my sister to be exactly that: my sister.
So my sister and I haven't really talked since Friday when I told her who I was seeing. Today, my gf sends me a text msg telling me that my sister was harassing her via text and was instigating. L forwarded me the text msgs and it was then that I lost it. Completely. I called her and when she picked up she didn't let me get a word in edgewise. Her basic dialogue with me was something more or less like this:
"Hi Jennyyy. Are you calling me because of L? Are you telling me to stop talking to L? Because I'm not going to fucking listen. Byeeeee." (Need I mention that this was all with attitude and sarcasm as the underlying tones)
She then hung up on me.
That's when I couldn't take it anymore. I lost it and broke down. Cried. And proceeded to call my mom and tell her what happened. *(Side note: my mom is being more amazing through this then I thought she was going to be and she really is my best friend)* I told her that my sister was harassing L and how she handled my phone call to her and her hanging up on me and that I needed her to just be my sister. To be happy for me. To choose blood over her friends for once in her life. She said she'd talk to my sister and she did. Nothing really positive came out of it other than my sister telling my mom that she loves me and that she is being my sister but that she's sticking up for her friend.
My mom called me back and told me that L just needs to erase all contact with C as do I. Fine. We both know what we have to do. We both knew that this would probably happen. So we expected something along these lines. But for my sister to be so utterly mean to someone is beyond my understanding. Especially if that someone means something to me. I'm upset adn angry with my sister and frustrated because this is partially my fault that this is happening on L's side. Given we both are facing extreme... dificulties when it comes the repercussions of starting a relationship between L and myself.
This just all sucks so hard core I dont know what to say, how to feel, how to react..nothing. I got nothing.
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